I have read a lot lately about how Mother's Day is such a letdown for most of us moms. All of our expectations, realized and unknown, surface on this one day and instead of being the source of great joy - cause us to meltdown. Some of us meltdown in obvious ways - crying, yelling, giving the silent treatment. Others of us meltdown internally - never letting on how disappointed we are in our children, our mates, our families. Every year we tell ourselves that next year will be different. Next year our children will be older, our spouses more in tune, our needs less desperate. Next year we will not feel guilty for needing something from the people closest to us that they don't seem to have to give. Next year...
Well, it is next year...already. Here we all wait, in anticipation - ever hopeful that our children will not ruin "our" day with selfish behavior or our spouse will step up to the plate and have given "our" day the reverence it deserves and put a lot of time and attention into planning out the perfect day for us. Reservations will be made - presents will be well thought out and lovely - flowers will be purchased - children will be talked to - we will be revered...finally!
It is a set up, you know? We all do it to some degree - for some of us the day is ruined before it ever starts and for others the day dies a thousand deaths all day long. In all, none of us get through the day without reopening an old scar. And exactly what is that scar from? Motherhood in general? Expectations? I can only speak for myself - and it is all of the above. Motherhood in general is way harder than I ever imagined. It requires more from me than I often have to give. Motherhood requires that I forget myself over and over again and for a selfish person such as myself this is repeatedly painful. And oh those expectations - premeditated resentments really is what they are. Those thoughts and feelings that I allow to percolate in my head over and over again unchecked. Thoughts and feelings that finally solidify into a belief system that is so far removed from reality that is borders on delusional. And so it goes -year in and year out.
Mother's Day is not the only time I am delusional. It happens all the time really. I am not psychotic but I am often in a full flight from reality. And I know why - it is because I was born believing that "things" should be different. From birth I just knew that I was supposed to have different parents, be raised in a different community, have different colored and textured hair, be taller and thinner, be more affluent and the list is endless. From the beginning, I have a mind that tells me things - tells me that what is occurring right now is wrong or needs to be changed. And so it has gone for a lifetime...until recently. I have recently come up against this belief that I have and been confronted with REALITY! I have to say that I do not like it at all. And while it is so painful to let go of this reality-less state that I have created in my mind - let it go I must or my life is truly not worth living. A bit dramatic I know but true nonetheless.
So this Mother's Day and the days that follow I am going to try to remember that whatever is happening right now is what is supposed to be happening right now. It is not supposed to be different. My only task is to accept it all EXACTLY the way it is and then move on from there. My children are not supposed to behave on this holy day any differently than they do any other day. My husband is not supposed to be a mind reader or devote all his time, energy and resources to making sure that on this one day I am happy and taken care of. That is not my husband's job - never has been - never will be. My happiness and well being is my responsibility and I do not ever get a day off from that reality. I am responsible for my own self care and for providing myself with what I need to be happy - every day.
I think for me I have bought into this advertised notion that on Mother's Day I get a day off from being a mom. That on Mother's Day I am magically transformed into a demigod to be worshipped and revered raised above the laundry, dishes and needs of others. I am not to be disturbed, bothered or upset. I am to be set free from domestic drama and drudgery! I am supposed to get a one day reprieve from being a wife and mother. Bullshit! That isn't going to happen - ever. My delusional belief about this and my insistent demands that all who surround me bow to the almighty MOTHER has to be smashed - I must be rid of it if I am ever to find peace.
Turns out that this year I got my Mother's Day gift 5 days early. It was yesterday after school. It was a gorgeous day and I took the time to attend to my own needs. I went to therapy, went on a long walk, helped a turtle cross the road - I paid attention to me and therefore I was able to be present for my kids after school. This was miraculous just by itself but it got better. We decided to swim. Just me and the kids. And for the first time in a long, long time my kids got along. They played together nicely. They enjoyed each other's company. They had fun. They laughed. And I got to be there. I got to see that. I watched from the periphery and soaked it all in. The sunshine, the familial harmony - the beautiful day. It only lasted 10 minutes but it was the best 10 minutes I have had in a long time.
I decided right there and then that I would take that 10 minutes and say that was enough for Mother's Day. 10 minutes of uninterrupted harmony in a home where there is so much chaos - was enough. I didn't need a card or gift or breakfast in bed. I made a decision that what my children gave me yesterday was priceless and it was enough.
So come Sunday I am off the hook and so are my kids and husband. They don't need to bow down to me and I don't need to be disappointed and sad that on this one day they aren't capable of honoring and thanking me for all I do for them. This Mother's Day is taken care of and I am sure that if I pay close attention I can be more aware of all the small 10 minute miracles that happen all the time. All the 10 minutes that my husband and children honor me and thank me for all that I do. This year I am not resentful and bitter - this year I am free. Free from expectations - societal, familial, personal. This year I am getting out of the way and expecting nothing. When I decide that I have already received what I want and deserve - my mind is free to move on. No longer tethered to martyrdom, I am free to enjoy the people that gave me the title. I pray that you can do the same.
Happy Mother's Day!!!
